Ok, so I am going to vent for a second (just imagine violin music under these words.) I AM TIRED. All new mothers are tired, I don’t think I am in an elite category here, but the misery loving company angle is not working….because I am too tired to appreciate company.

Jack has never been an amazing sleeper, but he has never been that bad. Medium, I would say he is a medium sleeper. He has woken up on average of 4 or 5 times a night, and is not too hard to get back to sleep after nursing. He used to go down around seven and get up around seven for the day. Not amazing but manageable.

Lately he has been waking up 6-9 times a night and getting up at 5 AM for the day. That’s almost every hour. Horror! It is literally horrible. I do think that crossing time zones has thrown him off, so I am hoping that smooths out with time. I have also read about a 3 month regression. But seriously he was never an amazing sleeper, so to regress seems cruel and unusual.

I read all of these post on-line about sleep repression where horrible women are all ” Oh my baby use to sleep through the night and now he wakes up 3 times a night wah wah wah.” Are you kidding me? Any time you can say anything about your infant sleeping through the night DON’T SAY IT. Keep that information to your self. No one feels sorry for you. Jack slept 7 hours straight once and I did not tell anyone. I barely told my husband. I am sure there is someone reading this whose baby wakes up 12 times a night or has colic and they are wishing I would put a sock in it.

Oh well, I keep telling myself this will pass. And all day I wish for patience…sleep first and foremost, but if that is not on the horizon than please more patience. You can turn off the violins I’m done for now. And hey at least they are cute right?

It’s a good thing they are cute.

As Jack nears the three-month mark, we are starting to see some amazing changes. He is becoming more dexterous daily. He can clasp his chubby little hands together. He has also begun to grab for things. So far this had mostly been relegated to grabbing clothing (ours and his ) and hair (ours, he does not have enough.) He has also been working really hard on trying to get his entire fist in to his mouth. He has not achieved this yet, but if there is anyway possible that his fist could fit in to his mouth he will find it, through determination and constant practice.

Ugh. I am suffering from some major post vacation blues. I just did not want to leave Iowa. We had such a great time visiting friends and enjoying the dregs of fall. Everyone there has babies, it was so sweet. And now we are home.

I do not feel like packing, or cleaning the house. I don’t feel like starting any one of the dozen or so projects I need to finish before Christmas. I don’t even feel like picking out a birthday present (seriously I am that blue.) I do however feel like drinking beer in the afternoon and watching television all day. Neither of those activities lends itself well to watching Jack, so I had to pacify my self with watching T.V. while he slept and eating pop corn for lunch. I am sure this funk will pass soon. In the mean time I am going to post some pics of my cutie to cure my blues.

“I’m not high, I have an infant.” My husband actually said that to a co-worker the other day while pointing to his bloodshot eyes. I can see the need to clarify. I am constantly tired and spaced out.  I have a really hard time focusing when I’m in conversations.  I have literally felt my eyes glaze over as I pretend to remember what the other person is talking  about. I am the worst listener, no matter what the conversation is about I will manage to only discuss my baby.

I only watch really menial things on television like the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, or funny things like Arrested Development that I have seen a million times over. This is because my brain is so addled from lack of sleep that I can not follow a plot. I am also sensitive to anything violent or sad since having Jack, especially involving babies. I got pretty upset watching Thor when they showed a flash back of crying baby Loki. Oh and the only movies I have managed to watch since Jack, have been comic book adaptations, so not only do I seem like a stoner, I seem like a 16-year-old boy stoner.

I am always hungry. And can never find something to eat, because of my breastfeeding dietary restrictions. I have caught my self saying out loud “mmmmm pizza” or “mmmmmmice cream” ( I am no longer eating dairy if that is not clear.) My preferred clothing of late is sweat pants, because all of my pre-pregnancy clothes are still a little sung and uncomfortable.

The nursing endorphins make me really emotional and loving. I can stare at his pale eyelashes indefinitely and continue to murmur “he is just so beautiful.” I am looking forward to sleep and caffeine someday, but this truly is an amazing time.

I started mama and baby yoga a few weeks ago. The class is really yoga for mama but baby tags along and hopefully stays preoccupied enough that mama can get a work out in. When baby does fusses you can sit on your mat and nurse. Some days it is amazing and some days I sit on the birth ball bouncing Jack while he fusses and gaze with longing at the women doing sun salutes.

Today was amazing. Jack was in a great mood and I could participate in most of class, interacting with him and incorporating him in to some poses. The class was packed and he enjoyed seeing all of the other babes and mamas. I am starting to get strong again! It is the best feeling, for the control to come back. My abs especially are recovering from the c- section. It is wonderful to feel my body coming alive again, in to strength, balance and lightness.

The last few years have been so brutal on my body. My first pregnancy, the miscarriage, the D&C surgery followed so quickly by this difficult pregnancy, and then after 49 hours of labor a C- section. I had almost forgotten what it felt like to move and feel that connection between mind and body. During my pregnancy I would dream about running, ridding horses, surfing, yoga, dancing and simply moving freely and strongly.

Today felt like a dream, and I felt so much pride. Pride in my body for being able to recover from so much. Pride in the fact that I was there challanging my self and putting my health and wellbeing first. I looked around at all the Mamas, muscles stretching in to balance and strength, or sitting on their mats nursing their babies.

At the end of class when I settled on my mat, with Jack cradled in my arms nursing so lovingly I got a little teary. The yoga mat has always felt like a safe place to me. One of the only places my emotions can really release.  Over the years I have experienced  the sheer joy of moving, anger when my body will not bend to my will, betrayal when I could not get pregnant, devastation over the loss of my first pregnancy and release as I healed and moved forward. Being pregnant with Jack and doing yoga was amazing. It was pure love feeling him inside me as I went through the poses I have been practicing for so long, knowing he was my little passenger.

I felt such kin ship and pride for the other women whose bodies, like mine have weatherd so much, come out on the other side and regained strength.  And being able to feed and nourish our babies, it is such an accomplishment. Our bodies really are amazing.