Darling Jack,

As I write this you are napping on the bed beside me. This is an amazing milestone for us. It took a long time for me just to be able to put you down, and lay next to you while you napped ( and usually you needed to nurse the whole time.) Now I am sitting next to you and typing. Someday  I will be able to be in an entirely different room while you nap, imagine the possibilities!

I love being near you, I love holding you in my arms and feeling your little body relax in to sleep. Seeing your face soften and feeling your feathery head grow heavy. This time of my life will be marked by those images. This is the only time in my life that I will have the luxury of being someones prefered resting spot and be able to accommodate that. Even If I have another child, I will have you to tend to. This is our special time, Mama and Jack. But with that said, I look forward to your independence as I relish your dependence. And isn’t this the dance and balance of motherhood?

Sometimes it is more graceful than others. Sometimes we are in harmony, ready to enter a new phase together. Sometimes we are not as congruent. One of us will have to lead, nudge the other in preparation of accepting the separation. As I am now very gently nudging you towards napping on your own.

I don’t know very much about motherhood. I am a novice after all. There is so much conflicting information on all the important issues. The one thing that I have learned is that I have to trust my intuition above anything else. A book or even a more experienced mother than I am, may have techniques and knowledge that I do not. But for all that they do know, I know you. I have to trust that I will know when we are ready for these small changes and for the larger ones. I have to remember that no one knows you as well as I do. You lived inside of me. And right now, for this small blessing of time we are completely together. Sometimes I even wonder if you realize the difference between my body and yours, you treat mine with so much familiarity and ownership. Having a baby is such an intense and intimate relationship. You have no boundries to your love, and I in return, have none on my love for you.

I wonder if you can ever know the change you have created in me? How much better I want to be because of you. How much happier I want to be, so that I can radiate that happiness to you. How strong I want to be for you so that I can lead you through this wild world. And how wise and unselfish I want to be so that I can let you go, so that little by little you can transform from my Home slice in to a man.

But right now you are still my sweet little one. And I savor this time we have together and the exercises of the heart that is inspires. Happy seventh month my own tiny love.

xoxoxo Mama

* Jack turned 7 Months on the 23rd, but my life has been a black hole where productivity is concerned. So alas it is late.

I think the time is nearing to convert our guest room in to Jacks nursery. I have certainly been in no rush to accomplish this. We have absolutely no nursery furnishings, not even a crib. I have a feeling this will be a meandering kind of project. But lately I have been dreaming of soft colors, cowboys, teepees, sheepskin rugs, starry night lights and tiny book shelves. I really want to create a soothing space. A space with room for the imagination. Here are a few nurseries that I fancy.

In the Midwest spring can be fairly tumultuous in the weather department. After the long churlish winter a blast of warm air moves in, usually trumpeted by an accompanying thunderstorm. Those first warm days are a revelation, snow melts, coats are discarded and everyone gazes longingly out of windows (if you happen to have the misfortune of being stuck indoors.)  After such a long stretch of grey the world bursts in to color. Buds begin to appear on trees,  emerald grass shoots up. And everyone soaks up every precious drop of sunshine. It is such a giddy time, they don’t call it spring fever for nothing.

Then unfortunately just as you are packing away your winter coat and dreaming of bikinis and barbecues, it snows again. You are locked once more in a chilled grey world aching for true spring and feeling very unkindly towards mother nature. This process usually happens a few times before the warm weather sustains.

Lately it feels as if I am experiencing the same rush of emotions all the way over in ever sunny LA (further proving that after almost 1o years of LA living that I am still an Iowa girl at heart.) I feel the fog of new babydome lifting around the edges. I can peek around it and see all the possibilities. Everything feels fresh and invigorating. We are now beginning to travel more. I am back in to almost all of my pre-Jack jeans. Jack spits up less and I no longer always smell like sour milk. We have had two dates, and hopefully more will follow. There is a whole world that I felt cut off from in the last few months of pregnancy and the first few months of Jacks infancy. It all seems to be opening again as Jack grows more independent and I, more confident in the role of Mama.

Then as suddenly as the fog lifts it falls again; because Jack has a rough night, or gets a cold (both of these are occurring currently) and all the lovely freedoms and possibilities feel miles away. And here I am, stuck inside with cabin fever, tending to runny noses (his and mine) and sore gums (his.)

I understand than on the path to progress, there are moments of back tracking, but patience is not always my strong suit, especially when it comes to my self. I want to be back in perfect shape now. I want Jack to be a more independent sleeper now. I want to make some progress on my writing projects now. I get caught up in where I think I should be, and where I want to be. I am trying to relax and remember to really treasure this time when he is small, to remember on the days that feel endless that we are moving forward. Even if some days it feels like were stuck in winter forever. Spring always comes.

Marfa  was a feast for the eyes with all the amazing artwork and architecture. A feast for the heart with all the sweet kiddos and good friends. And a feast for the belly, because we cooked some lovely meals (food was not Marfas strong point.) It was so nice to be able to walk everywhere, I think we wore the Home Slice for about 10 hours a day minimum. He was in heaven. And when Jack is happy Mama is happy. It was a trip that left me feeling refreshed and inspired. I think it may need to be an annual outing.

So I bet you thought that we decided to live in Marfa, because I have not posted in a hot minute. Fear not, we are home, and we had the loveliest time. I came back feeling refreshed and full of creative energy. The art was amazing, the landscape was inspiring and the company was delightful.

Then I got a cold, and Jack started cutting his second tooth and all of my good Marfa juju went right out the window.  I know when my cold passes and when Jack can sleep for two consecutive hours again that I will regain my post Marfa sparkle. Then I can share our amazing trip in more detail with you. Until then here are some pictures to tide us all over.

Tomorrow we are off to Marfa Texas for a little vacation with some friends.

Please imagine our babe sleeping sweetly on the plane.

Ill be back to posting when we return.

have a great week!